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*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
are they though??
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
