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My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
These work great until they don’t.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
