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I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
☠️
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.