You Might Also Like
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Where’s my employee discount too?
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.