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Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Bootstraps
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣