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[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone