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Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence