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Kidney stones? Hard pass
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1