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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times