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Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
The three genders
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.