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Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
😲 WTF? 😆
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*