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I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
☠️
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
The Sun
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.