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It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
black phone good
50 shades of grey = my Liver
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.