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Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
just arby’s bein’ a bro
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen