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Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.