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Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Truth
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.