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So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
thoughts?
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.