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Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
🌲😼
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.