You Might Also Like
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Is your wife single?
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.