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You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
We need it on priority
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind