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Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.