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Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.