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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
💀💀
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
