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What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
