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Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Seems a bit forward
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.