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The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
But wait…
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”