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Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
BETRAYAL
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”
You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.