You Might Also Like
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
When you kidnap a writer.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no