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I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*