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5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious