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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Oh yeh? Explain this then
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
