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Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Sell your car
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
“HELP WITH CAT”
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.