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I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.