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No flush
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.