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My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
A ghost story
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.