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The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.