Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……

Damn he played himself

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

Alarms are for people without children or puppies

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

The hardest thing Vision has to do

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

Dolls on drugs

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.