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The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Got a light
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.