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WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting