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Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here