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I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
dead inside
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.