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Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”