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I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for