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Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Why is this me 😫
is it earth
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Usage Guidelines
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Children of the Corn Man
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head