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Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Ron is short for Aaronald
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.