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God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Yes
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I fixed it. For me
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time