Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
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If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
You wish you had this many chins.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants