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Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
LMAO.
