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6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
iPhone X
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
