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Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I mean…but I did
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?