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Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*