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I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics