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All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.