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WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.