You Might Also Like
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
So that’s what we looked like?
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
it must be school picture day
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*