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Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.