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*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Short story
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
dude it’s called proctologist
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times