You Might Also Like
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.