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Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
…u ok Nintendo?
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
