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Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me