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[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.