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What’s the point buying it then?
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying