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Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Science is fun!
#nottrue
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.