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( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions