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Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
😭😭
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
My friend is an excellent librarian.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
my dad has had enough
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.