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Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Just how popey was the pope today?
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
TODAY
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn