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If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”