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Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.