You Might Also Like
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball