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Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
For the ones in the back.
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Dead sexy!!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.