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That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
[shakes fist at other fist]
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
rise and shine we got egg
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.