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Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
🤣
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.