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Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.