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ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Mapping America’s Far Right
