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Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
you stereotypes are all alike
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
bro what is going on at twitter
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏