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*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.