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Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
How does one answer this?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
My birth announcement for our third baby
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.