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Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw