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Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…