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I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”