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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
This kid will have a bright future.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.